Journey to Adulthood: Independent Woman

Let me preface by saying that this will not be a regular blog entry. If you’ve come today to find photos of me in my favorite dress, look to entries past. I’m feeling deep today, and so today I will write.

{Okay, fine. Here’s a picture of Phoenix sleeping so you have something to look at.}

I’ve been thinking a lot about my independence lately. This month marks not only year one of having a job, it also marks year one of my financial independence. My parents were generous enough to help split the cost of my student loans this past year, but other than that it’s been me, myself, and I. I pay my own rent, all my bills, and obviously I have a shopping habit (hence this blog and most of its content).  I’m proud of myself for reaching this “milestone” and living off of my own income so quickly after graduation. But when I see my peers living off of their parents in fabulous West Village apartments, it is hard. I mean, really, really hard. I’m sure anyone who is receiving any sort of financial help is thankful, but DAMN am I jealous. Here I am with the hour long commute, and there they are showing off their latest $400 purchases. But that’s not the point.

Being financially independent is rewarding, but it is emotionally draining. And I am a very emotional person by nature (obviously because I was born in July and am therefore a Cancer). I’m an extrovert, and I get my energy from my surroundings and from being social. I have such a strong dependence on other people’s feelings and moods that most times I can’t just let something make me happy. Someone else has to feel that happiness and joy right along with me so I am able to smile. If no one else shares in or relates to my good feeling, then that good feeling is immediately gone. I crave for others to accept every part of me, including my varying stages of emotion.

Recently I’ve been asking myself why I depend so much on others emotionally. Why does so-and-so have to be having a good time in order for me to have a good time? Why does someone else’s bad mood put me into such a bad mood? Other times I am certain that feeling this way is completely normal. Yet somehow I’ve surrounded myself with people who don’t necessarily see it that way. Most of my friends are people who can have fun and feel whatever they are feeling without the consent of others. So why do I crave approval so much?

Perhaps I should just wrap it up and consider myself a perfect example of the “look at me” generation. I’m a blogger, I’m an instagrammer, I’m a Facebooker, and I’m a tweeter. And I do it for this honest reason: if others can’t share in my joy, it all means less to me. 

So while I can pay my own bills in this big bad city, I can’t seem to enjoy anything unless someone is there enjoying it all with me. Thankfully, I have my cat. He very clearly sees the joy in everything.

image

Or at least he does when he’s not sleeping.